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#81 rgillis783

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Posted 02 January 2019 - 01:08 AM

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ♥♥♥ and let him go!"



#82 Nortrom

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Posted 02 January 2019 - 11:16 AM

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#83 Napoleon 2ème

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Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:54 PM

2 blondes women are talking

 

- I did my driving test today... but I failed

 

- Oh no... I'm so sorry for this... what happened?

 

- Well, I came at a roundpoint and there was written "30", so I did 30 tour

 

-Aha, and how many more, or less tour did you do?


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#84 Dobby125

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Posted 03 January 2019 - 05:28 AM

Check out Instapundit's Open Thread every night at 9:30pm EST.  Lots of the best recent memes and jokes are posted.

 

https://pjmedia.com/...317369/#respond


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#85 Don_Homer

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Posted 04 January 2019 - 02:30 PM

2 blondes women are talking

 

- I did my driving test today... but I failed

 

- Oh no... I'm so sorry for this... what happened?

 

- Well, I came at a roundpoint and there was written "30", so I did 30 tour

 

-Aha, and how many more, or less tour did you do?

If the red marked tekst isnt the punchline, I dont get the joke  :blink:


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#86 Napoleon 2ème

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Posted 04 January 2019 - 05:49 PM

If the red marked tekst isnt the punchline, I dont get the joke  :blink:

My English pretty suchs ^^ So, the blonde woman arrived at a roundpoint and see a sign with written "30" which stands for the limit. But she thinks it is the number of time she has to go around the roundpoint


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#87 Don_Homer

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Posted 04 January 2019 - 11:17 PM

My English pretty suchs ^^ So, the blonde woman arrived at a roundpoint and see a sign with written "30" which stands for the limit. But she thinks it is the number of time she has to go around the roundpoint

Yes I got it, then! But I think last sentence is a bonus? The second woman was not very smart either? :P. Ah it makes sense, cause your talking about 2 blondes :D


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#88 Napoleon 2ème

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Posted 05 January 2019 - 11:16 AM

Yes I got it, then! But I think last sentence is a bonus? The second woman was not very smart either? :P. Ah it makes sense, cause your talking about 2 blondes :D

Exactly ^^


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#89 El Paso

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 12:10 AM

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"


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#90 Don_Homer

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 07:51 PM

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Nice autograph, Tuco!


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#91 rgillis783

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 08:28 PM

The devout zookeeper lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out at the zoo. Three weeks later, a penguin walked up to him carrying the Bible in its beak. The zookeeper couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the penguin's beak, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the penguin. "Your name is written inside the cover." 

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing thisthe clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" "Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the beach." 

 


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#92 Nortrom

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Posted 09 January 2019 - 02:32 PM

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#93 Dobby125

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Posted 09 January 2019 - 03:49 PM

Gary Delaney has some funny one liners.

 

https://www.youtube....h?v=qja1VIOBVcs

 

My favorites were his grief counselor joke, granddad school joke, his identical dog joke, the naked park joke and his dead uncle derrick joke.


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#94 Dobby125

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Posted 11 January 2019 - 06:06 AM

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: DO NOT step on a duck."

"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.

"Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it's a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem are the ducks. If you step on a duck it will begin to quack and then all the other ducks will begin to quack and its simply a nuisance for us all. So if you step on a duck, you must suffer the consequences." Saint Peter replied.

The three men looked at each other, laughed it off, and continued into heaven. As far as the eye could see there were ducks everywhere. Almost immediately one of the men, Mark, accidentally stepped on a duck. Just as Peter had said, the duck began to quack and then the ducks around him began an audible tidal wave of quacks.

Soon after the quacks had passed, Saint Peter approached the men in hand with a hag of a woman named Bertha. He looked at Mark and told him that, as punishment, he had to make love with Bertha, then he shackled the hag to Mark and left.

The other two men were careful not to step on a duck. Although they tried their best, Frank, eventually stepped on a duck. The same phenomenon of before arose and Saint Peter arrived again with a hooknosed crone named Jubadoobai, with warts on her bitter face. He shackled her to the man, nodded, and left.

The final man, Larry, treaded with care and spent many days and nights successfully stepping around the ducks. After a while, Saint Peter approached Larry with a very pretty woman named Pamela. He shackled the woman to Larry and left without a word.

Larry was so delighted he audibly said to himself, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?"

Pamela replied, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck..."


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#95 Napoleon 2ème

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Posted 12 January 2019 - 12:05 PM

Andrew is in a restaurant and has to go to toilet. When he arrives to the toilets he see that one door is locked so of course, he goes into the second one. When he is sitting, he hears the man on the other WC saying : " Hello, how are you?" Andrew is a bit surprised and answers "Fine thanks" . A few seconds later, the other guy says "What are you doing?" ... still surprised, he answers "Well, I'm going to do what you usually do when you are on the WC" . After a few seconds he heards the guy saying " okay honey, I'll recall you because there is an idiot at the other WC who is answering all my questions..."


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#96 Napoleon 1er

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Posted 12 January 2019 - 12:09 PM

in english the man says: "Need help Gringo?"

 

g6vkX81.jpg


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#97 texaspete09

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Posted 14 January 2019 - 04:19 AM

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I don't engage with politics much, but this is hilarious.


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#98 Yellowhat

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Posted 14 January 2019 - 02:10 PM

In Israel it's the year 5779 now...


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#99 Fks

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Posted 14 January 2019 - 05:00 PM

In Israel it's the year 5779 now...

In America it's the year 2019 now... 


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#100 TheOptician

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Posted 14 January 2019 - 05:29 PM

In America it's the year 2019 now...


In deepest space it is the year -14 billion.




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