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#41 donald.mallard

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 04:00 AM

ok....I am panicing right now, cause I can't find a appropiate joke. Do I post a adult one or what?

 

I need people to help me out by leaving feedback.


complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#42 Midnightguy

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 05:21 AM

What do you call a cowboy with a twitch?  Beef Jerky

Why do cows wear bells?  Because their horns don't work

What concert can you go to that only costs 45 cents?  50 cents featuring Nickeback


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#43 donald.mallard

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 04:01 PM

todays jokes. 

 

(#1709) The avid golfer 
Gary, an 80 year old avid golfer, moves to a new house in Barnet just to be near a golf club. So keen is Gary that not long after the last removal lorry has left, he gets into his car, takes a short trip to the Dyrham Park Country Club and quickly becomes a member of this well known golf club. Two days after that, he goes to Dyrham to play his first round there. 
When he arrives, he’s told by Harold the on-duty Pro that as everyone is out on the course he won’t be able to play today. But our Gary doesn’t give in easily and nags that he really, desperately, with all his heart, wants to play. Harold gives in and says he himself will play with Gary, but only if they play for a £50 bet. Gary agrees. 
On their way to the first hole, Harold asks Gary, "How many strokes do you want?" 
"I don't need any strokes," replies Gary, "I’ve been playing quite well this year and the only problem I have is getting out of sand traps." 
Gary then begins his first round of golf at Dyrham and for the next 3 hours he plays ‘out of his skin.’ Coming to the par four 18th, Gary and Harold are level. Harold produces a great drive which allows him to get onto the green in two and is then able to two-putt for a par. Gary also drives well but his approach shot lands in the sand trap next to the green. Gary gets into the bunker and hits a high ball which lands on the green and gently rolls into the hole. Match and £50 to Gary! 
Harold immediately walks over to Gary and says, "That was a fantastic shot for an eighty year old, but I thought you told me you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" 

"I do," replies Gary, "could you please give me a hand?"

 

(#1735) A few kind words 
Moshe walks into the bar at his golf club, sits down and orders a whisky. As he sips his drink, he hears a soothing voice say, "Nice tie, Moshe." 
He looks around but notices that there is no-one else in the room except for himself and the barman. A few sips later, another voice says, "Beautiful shirt, Moshe." 
Moshe calls over the bartender. "I must be losing my mind," he says. "I keep hearing voices saying nice things to me yet there's no-one in here except the two of us." 
"It's the peanuts, Moshe," says the barman, smiling. 
"What on earth are you talking about? Are you meshugga?" says Moshe. 
"It's the peanuts," repeats the barman, "they're complimentary."


Edited by donald.mallard, 10 August 2016 - 07:28 PM.

complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#44 TheOptician

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 04:24 PM

I didn't get the first joke until I read the second.

#45 donald.mallard

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 07:28 PM

oops. it got screwed up. I'll fix it TheO.

 

EDIT: it's fixed.


Edited by donald.mallard, 10 August 2016 - 07:29 PM.

complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#46 donald.mallard

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 07:40 PM

(#2109) Two Ark riddles
Q: Where did Noah put the bees?
A: He kept them in the Ark hives. 

Q: Was Noah the first person to leave the Ark?
A: No he wasn’t. He came forth out of the Ark.

 

 

 

the second one is even better than the first.


complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#47 donald.mallard

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Posted 11 August 2016 - 02:11 AM

https://s-media-cach...f0bfa2af66d.jpg

 

check this link. it's a real groaner.


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complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#48 donald.mallard

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Posted 11 August 2016 - 07:57 PM

Hi gang, I am on strike until admins return. without MT monitering, I'm forced to hide the silly side of me. I got a email from a player who claims hes sevenseas and will beat me to a pulp.

Seven seas forgave me. so some joker is trying to funny, i deleted it. but i'm on strike myself.

Now you can still post if you like, but keep it clean.

 

Thank you,

               Sam Z.


Edited by donald.mallard, 12 August 2016 - 03:31 AM.

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complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#49 Ides of March

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Posted 12 August 2016 - 08:10 PM

A criminal goes into a bank and yells "this is a holdup!  Everybody hit the floor, NOW!"

 

He walks over to the first guy lying on the floor and ask him: "did you see me rob this bank?"

 

The man lying on the floor replies: "yes I did" so the bank robber shoots him.

 

The robber then walks over to the next guy lying on the floor and ask the same question: "did you see me

rob this bank?"

 

The guy replied:  " NO!.....but my wife did"


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#50 donald.mallard

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Posted 12 August 2016 - 09:07 PM

Hi gang, my strike with jokes is over. I was thinking if people can beat me in quick arena, i will let them post for a whole week without any of my  jokes.

 

If I win, one joke allowed per week.

 

I will have a sign up sheet called Joker.

 

 

SZ


Edited by donald.mallard, 13 August 2016 - 03:57 AM.

complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#51 donald.mallard

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Posted 13 August 2016 - 04:01 AM

todays joke.

 

#56) The jogger 
Morris was out jogging one Sunday afternoon when he saw a new-looking tennis ball in the road. He stopped to pick it up and as he had no pockets, he put it down the front of his running shorts. He then continued with his run. 
He soon came up to Sadie, who was also out jogging. Sadie looked at him and pointed to the bulge in his shorts. 
“What’s that?” Sadie asked, smiling. 
“Tennis ball,” replied Morris. 
“I know how you must feel,” Sadie said, “I had tennis elbow once and that was bloody painful”


complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#52 donald.mallard

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Posted 13 August 2016 - 03:45 PM

todays joke.

complaint department is on strike.

if you don't like it, sue me.

 

(#1730) The doctor’s advice 
[My thanks to Ron for the following] 
Right up to the time he gets married to the lovely Hannah, jake had never been with a girl before. So it’s not surprising that on his wedding night, poor jake can’t do anything right for Hannah. Two weeks go by and he still doesn’t really know what to do in bed. Totally frustrated, Hannah suggests to jake  that he has a chat with their doctor. He agrees and two days later he’s talking to Dr Myers. 
"So what should I do, doctor?" asks jake. 
"It’s quite simple, jake," advises Dr Myers. "Next time you’re in bed with Hannah, you should place your hand gently on her stomach and say something like, ‘darling, I love you so much’ and everything will be OK from that moment onwards." 
jake goes home feeling more confident. 
Later that night, soon after they get into bed, jake places his hand on her stomach and says in a very romantic voice, "Darling, I love you with all my heart and I always will." 
Hannah can’t believe the change in jake and decides to take things further, so excitedly she whispers back, "Lower jake, lower." 
So our jake repeats, but this time in a much lower voice, "Darling, I love you with all my heart ………"


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complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#53 Napoleon 1er

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Posted 13 August 2016 - 05:25 PM

just read this one on internet ... see how politics works:

 

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is exactly how politics works . . .


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If you don't know where you go ... you have a lot of chance to arrive elsewhere ...

#54 donald.mallard

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Posted 13 August 2016 - 05:32 PM

just read this one on internet ... see how politics works:

 

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is exactly how politics works . . .

I've read this one before, differant version tho.


complaint department is on strike.

if you dislike a joke, not my problem. Sue me.


#55 PuzzledTea

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Posted 13 August 2016 - 08:16 PM

This is quite an old one, can't remember where I found it now. (Not one of my own thankfully, mine are known to cause blindness/deafness...)

 

"Every time there's a sale on my sister picks up everything that's marked down. Last week she came home with an escalator."


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#56 TheOptician

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Posted 05 August 2018 - 06:13 PM

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
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#57 Napoleon 1er

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Posted 11 August 2018 - 02:21 PM

...sunday morning, a cute blond is pushing what seems to be a brand new Porsche 911 on the highway. ... some nice gentleman passing in that zone slows down and asks the blond:"hey what are you doing here? Can i help you?" ... and the blond to answer:"No thank you, i just bought this car last week and i'm doing what my garagist told me to do ... drive carefully on national roads during the week and push it a bit on the highway during weekend!"
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If you don't know where you go ... you have a lot of chance to arrive elsewhere ...

#58 UnladenSwallow

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Posted 11 August 2018 - 04:53 PM

This website.
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#59 Nortrom

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Posted 29 August 2018 - 10:48 AM

H4G7AHg.png


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"Rock is overpowered, paper is fine" - scissors

#60 Napoleon 2ème

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Posted 09 September 2018 - 09:27 PM

Mr  Nikola Sarkozy and Mr François Hollande are on a boat.

 

Suddenly there is a storm and both fall in the water… who is going to be saved?

 

Answer : France !


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I  never lose, I win or I learn…





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