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#21 queenbee1

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Posted 30 July 2016 - 12:35 AM

You guys need to keep your day jobs.  :lol: Kidding.

 

Did you see the 13 year old comedian on America's Got Talent? She is funny and made it to the next round making jokes about Trump. This is the first season I have watched. I normally don't go for reality or competition shows, but this one is entertaining. Lori Mae Hernandez

 

Sharpen your skills and you could win a million dollars and have your own show in Vegas baby.

 

This is the ultimate winner IMO Laura Bretan: Young Opera Singer Delivers Stunning Cover of "The Prayer" - America's Got Talent 2016


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#22 sevenseas

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Posted 30 July 2016 - 04:18 PM

If you want to see jokes about Trump just look at one of his speeches.  :lol:


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#23 GaryLShelton

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Posted 30 July 2016 - 09:08 PM

I don't think Trump is funny at all. But every speech he makes does seem to fuel the jokesters. :)
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#24 Midnightguy

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Posted 30 July 2016 - 09:47 PM

A guy lost his luggage at the airport and he decides to sue the airline.  The airlines lost the lawsuit because they didn't have the case.


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#25 donald.mallard

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Posted 31 July 2016 - 01:36 AM

#2) In the beginning 
[My thanks to  DM for the following] 
Little Peter asks his father one day, "Daddy, how was I born?" 
His father replies, "Ah, Peter my son, I guess one day you’ll need to find out anyway so let me tell you how. Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said - You've Got Male.”


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#26 donald.mallard

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Posted 31 July 2016 - 11:00 AM

(#1688) Serious negotiation 
In 1946, after many years of endeavour, Norman, Hymie and Maxwell Goldberg finally invent the first air-conditioning unit that can be fitted inside a car. So thrilled and confident are these three brothers that they decide to sell it to the largest car manufacturer in the world – Ford 
They install their only working unit in one of their cars and choosing a hot day, drive to Ford’s Head Office in Detroit. On arrival, they ask to see Henry Ford himself, but as they don’t have an appointment, they have to use all their charm to persuade his secretary to help them. Within minutes, she’s telling Mr Ford that sitting in her office are three well dressed gentlemen with a most exciting invention that will help sell more Ford cars. 
Henry Ford immediately asks them to join him in his office. But they refuse, asking him instead to go with them to the car park to see their invention. He agrees and when they reach the Goldberg’s car, all four get in. As it’s now very hot outside, the Goldbergs turn on their air-conditioning unit. Almost immediately the car begins to cool down. Henry Ford is very excited and asks if they have patented their invention – which they are pleased to confirm. So he invites them back to his office for some discussion. 
One hour later, the Goldbergs are offered $3million for their invention. But they refuse. They not only want $5million but they also desire recognition by having a label on every one of their units saying, ‘A Goldberg Air-Conditioning unit.’ 
But Henry Ford says that there is no way he is going to put the name ‘Goldberg’ on millions of his Ford cars (everyone in America knows that he is more than a little bit anti-Semitic.) So they go back to haggling and eventually reach an agreement for the product. The offer now is $4.5million plus the display in each car of just the first names of the three brothers. 
And so today all Ford air-conditioning units show their names on the air-conditioning controls as  "Norm"  "Hi"  "Max".


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#27 donald.mallard

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Posted 01 August 2016 - 02:38 AM

heres tomorrow's joke.

 

more of a groaner actually.

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 
'May I see the new baby?' I asked. 
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.' 
Thirty minutes passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'   
'No, not yet,' she said. 
After another short while had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 
'No, not yet,' replied my friend. 
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me. 
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!’
 


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#28 donald.mallard

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Posted 02 August 2016 - 02:24 AM

Where da H is my poll? Did some mod delete it?

 

Oh well. I am looking for a new joke.

 

Error 404

 

this person has crashed.

 

lol i'm a goof.

 

But I have alot of adult jokes not suited for kids, so I'm searching for "childproofed" jokes.

 

found one.

 

Job search 
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, 
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
 
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, 
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.
 
After that I tried to be a tailor, 
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.
 
Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre, 
but that was exhausting.
 
I wanted to be a barber, 
but I just couldn't cut it.
 
Then I tried to be a chef, 
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
 
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, 
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
 
My best job was being a musician, 
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
 
I studied a long time to become a doctor, 
but I didn't have any patients.
 
Next was a job in a shoe factory, 
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
 
I became a professional fisherman, 
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
 
Thought about becoming a witch, 
so I tried that for a spell.
 
I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company, 
but the work was just too draining.
 
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, 
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
 
So then I got a job in a gymnasium, 
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
 
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, 
but the work was shocking. 
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian, 
until I realised there was no future in it.
 
My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee, 
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
 
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

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#29 donald.mallard

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Posted 03 August 2016 - 03:13 AM

Todays Joke.

 

(#314) The Court Hearing 
Judge to member of the jury who was about to be sworn in but who had told the Court that he was deaf in one ear. 
“You really can’t serve on the jury” 
“Why not?” 
“Because you can only hear one side”

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#30 donald.mallard

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Posted 03 August 2016 - 03:05 PM

Recently no one has liked my jokes, oh well.

 

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"  The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head." 

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy, why is my name Rose?" She replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." 

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." 

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

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#31 donald.mallard

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Posted 03 August 2016 - 03:36 PM

Thoughts for a Day 
1. Birds of a feather flock together and ***** on your car. 

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 

6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

10. He who hesitates is probably right. 

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

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#32 donald.mallard

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Posted 04 August 2016 - 05:01 AM

For once I am speechless and in shock that a rabbi of all people would say something like this.

I apoligize if this is distasteful, but i personally found it funny.

 

(#1843) MUM-IN-LAW IS BEYOND A JOKE 
[A question sent to the Jewish News and the Rabbi’s reply (TRUE!)] 
Here is the question: -

Dear Rabbi 
I hope it’s OK if I have to remain anonymous but this is no joke. I am one of those blokes who really suffer from an interfering mother-in-law. She has an opinion on everything and sticks it in even when not asked for it. My wife is very close to her and invites her round all the time which only puts a real strain between us. Is there anything I can do? Help! 
[Anonymous]

And here is the Rabbi’s reply: -

Dear Anon 
Make it look like an accident …

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#33 donald.mallard

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Posted 07 August 2016 - 03:28 AM

Todays jokes. I'm a day behind. Sry for the discrepancy.

 

The misunderstanding 
One day, as Rebecca is walking down Golders Green Road, she first hears, then sees coming towards her a man pushing a smart pram with a screaming baby inside. And oy vey, what a noise the baby is making. 
As the man gets closer to her, Rebecca hears him saying, "Don’t worry Joshua, it will be all right," and "Try not to scream Joshua, nothing will go wrong," and then "Please keep calm Joshua, everything is fine." 
When the man reaches her, she says to him, "I really admire the way you are talking to your baby, mister. I’m a mother myself and I think you’re doing a marvellous job in trying to soothe your son Joshua." 
"Thanks, but I think you’ve misunderstood the situation," replies the man. "My name is Joshua."

 

Number 2

 

 Aging friends

Leah and Sarah meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. They are old friends and both have been married to their husbands for a long time. 
"Nu, how are things with you Sarah?" asks Leah.
"Not too good really," Sarah replies. "I'm feeling quite low because I don't think Robert finds me attractive anymore."
"Why? How do you know this?" asks Leah.
"Because as I get older," replies Sarah, "he bothers less and less to look at me. When I was younger, he couldn't take his eyes off me." 
"I feel so sorry for you," says Leah. "As I get older, my David says I get more and more beautiful each day."
"Yes," replies Sarah, "but don't forget David is an antique dealer!"


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#34 donald.mallard

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Posted 08 August 2016 - 04:16 AM

Joke time. If I can find one. if not I'll post 2 tomorrow.

 

 Clever signs

  • Over a gynaecologist’s office - "Dr. Levy, at your cervix."
  • On Yitzhak the plumber's truck - "I repair what your husband fixed."
  • Also on Yitzhak the plumber's truck - "Don't sleep with a drip. Call me."
  • On Cohen’s Pizza shop - "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
  • Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop - "Buy my pizza. I knead the dough."
  • In Moshe the plastic surgeon's office - "Hello. Can I pick your nose?"
  • On Hyman the electrician's truck - "Let me remove your shorts."
  • On a maternity room door at a Jewish hospital - "Push. Push. Push."
  • At Benny the optometrist's office - "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • In Abe the podiatrist's office - "Time wounds all heels."
  • In Shlomo the veterinarian's waiting room - "Back in 5mins. Sit! Stay!"
  • In Issy’s restaurant window - "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
  • In the front yard of Isaac’s funeral home - "Drive carefully. I'll wait."
  • On Benjy’s radiator shop - "Best place in town to take a leak."

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#35 donald.mallard

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Posted 08 August 2016 - 04:21 AM

as I have a somewhat busy day tomorrow, heres the joke.

Why the hell am i still posting if no one likes my jokes anymore.

here goes.

 

(#1193) Alternating light and darkness 
[My thanks to DM for the following] 
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?" 
The angel says, "Yes, but what will you do now?" 
God says, "I think I’ll call it a day."


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#36 donald.mallard

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Posted 09 August 2016 - 02:17 AM

And now, Donald.Mallard and Co. will you laugh you so hard.

I do not do surgery on hacked-up lungs.

 

The misunderstanding 
One day, as Rebecca is walking down Golders Green Road, she first hears, then sees coming towards her a man pushing a smart pram with a screaming baby inside. And oy vey, what a noise the baby is making. 
As the man gets closer to her, Rebecca hears him saying, "Don’t worry Joshua, it will be all right," and "Try not to scream Joshua, nothing will go wrong," and then "Please keep calm Joshua, everything is fine." 
When the man reaches her, she says to him, "I really admire the way you are talking to your baby, mister. I’m a mother myself and I think you’re doing a marvellous job in trying to soothe your son Joshua." 
"Thanks, but I think you’ve misunderstood the situation," replies the man. "My name is Joshua."


Edited by donald.mallard, 09 August 2016 - 02:17 AM.

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#37 queenbee1

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Posted 09 August 2016 - 07:55 PM

Well I read them and I liked the one about the baby coming as you've got male. The others not so much. I am not the best audience for one liners unless they are current. I am a terrible joke teller so that may be why. See ya tomorrow kid.

 

Still do what makes you happy. I will play as I am old and I love this kind of joke.

 

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.laughter is the best medicine
 
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
 
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
 
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
 
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
 
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
 
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
 
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

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#38 donald.mallard

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Posted 09 August 2016 - 10:26 PM

Hi Queen, I've heard this one with scarfs instead of dolls. It's a good one that never getts old. Glad you liked the Male joke.

It's more suited for today tech-savvy teens, but it works with anyone..


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#39 queenbee1

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Posted 09 August 2016 - 11:20 PM

Well I was hoping it was a new one. I had never heard that joke before I read it. Did you watch the youtube clip I sent you of the young comedian? Maybe you could be on AGT one day. Our match is on for tomorrow. Take it easy on the old lady.  :lol:



#40 donald.mallard

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 12:41 AM

I don't do good with a lot of excitement so AGT is out. it's a good show tho.

I will be as gentle as a kitty. 

 

What youtube clip?

 

sam


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