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#1 donald.mallard

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Posted 26 July 2016 - 12:06 AM

I have decided to post a daily joke. Please comment if you like them.

 

 

#1) The Pope’s blessing 
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.  A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that he had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. 
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.  The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they had noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.   The Pope said, "OK." 
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."

 

 

 

 


Edited by donald.mallard, 30 July 2016 - 12:42 AM.

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#2 donald.mallard

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Posted 26 July 2016 - 04:28 PM

(#2340) Arithmetic is easy if you know how

16 year old Rob goes to his father and says, "Dad, I need some money for tonight. So could you let me have $20?" 
His father replies, "$20? So why do you want me to give you $15?"


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#3 Walhall

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Posted 26 July 2016 - 05:26 PM

I have decided to post a daily joke. Please comment if you like them.

I making a poll as well. It will be public so I will PM you if nessearary for feedback.

 

 

#1) The Pope’s blessing 
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.  A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that he had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. 
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.  The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they had noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.   The Pope said, "OK." 
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."

https://youtu.be/SAHvLAJ-5aQ



#4 Midnightguy

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 03:19 AM

I was at a wedding the other day and it was very emotional;  Even the Wedding Cake was in tiers.


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#5 Midnightguy

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 03:21 AM

There was this guy I knew who once worked for two butcher shops.  The first time he tried for the job, he was let go because he didn't make the cut.  However, he tried again at another place and his skills improved and his boss told him he was a cut above the rest.  


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#6 Midnightguy

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 03:22 AM

This guy I knew was in a band called the 1023 Megabytes but, the problem was they could never get a gig.  


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#7 Midnightguy

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 03:26 AM

Have you guys heard about the new movie called constipation?  No?  That's because it hasn't come out yet.  However reviews expect the movie reviews to have it go straight to the toilet.    


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#8 donald.mallard

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 03:41 AM

Well MG, I pegged you for droll serious older guy, I was wrong. thx for the laugh.

 

LOL

 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

 Sam


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#9 donald.mallard

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 03:55 AM

heres Wednesday tonight.

 

The Party –1 
Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, 
“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over £500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give £50.” 
A voice from the back of the hall shouted, “I will give £75.”


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#10 donald.mallard

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Posted 28 July 2016 - 04:16 AM

Hi folks. please vote on my poll.

 

I am helping a neighbor tomorrow, so here's the jokes.

 

Bar none

A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the barman, "A beer please - and one for the road."

these are pretty old, but still corny.


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#11 donald.mallard

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Posted 28 July 2016 - 04:34 AM

I decided to post groaners. 

 

Ten Groaners

  • Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. Although the ceremony isn't much, the reception is brilliant.
  • As two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. NOTE. This is an example of Deja Moo, the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  • An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  • A man went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but he couldn't find any.
  • A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident and shouts, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replies, "I know you can't - I've had to cut off your arms!"
  • A man goes into a seafood disco ...and pulls a mussel.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak are cold so they light a fire in the boat. As it sinks, it proves yet again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager goes over to them and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they ask. "Because", he says, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  • A man sends 20 different puns to his friends hoping that at least 10 of them would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

Sam

 

 

Disclamer: Donald.Mallard and Co are not responsible for the jokes on this website, Funny, not funny or otherwise.

If I post a distasteful joke I will have the Mods delete it if need be.


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#12 Midnightguy

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Posted 28 July 2016 - 10:46 PM

Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?  He was charged with Battery 

How much do dead batteries cost?  Nothing.  They are free of charge.  

I decided to take up sign language.  I figured it might come in handy one day.  


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#13 TheOptician

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Posted 28 July 2016 - 10:50 PM

Two cows in a field.

 

1st Cow:  Moo.

2nd Cow: Oi, I was gonna say that.


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#14 Midnightguy

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Posted 28 July 2016 - 11:05 PM

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?  Great food but no atmosphere..

Why did NASA send a probe to Neptune?  Because no one wants to probe Uranus...

I would tell you guys a joke about pizza, but it's just too cheesy!   


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#15 donald.mallard

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 05:33 AM

at midnight I will post a joke for friday


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#16 donald.mallard

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 05:59 AM

(#189) You Never Listen 
Sarah comes home from her long stay in Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing Sarah. 
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing." 
Sarah says, "Mum, I got married." 
"Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?" 
"He's waiting outside while I tell you." 
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law." 
Sarah brings him in and to her consternation, Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall spear. 
Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot.  I said RICH doctor!


Edited by donald.mallard, 29 July 2016 - 06:00 AM.

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#17 Napoleon 1er

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 07:17 AM

Great to see this topic born again

A guy in Alaska is occupied placing a lot of little red flags all around his house. Another guy steps by and asks: " hey what are you doing here with all those little red flags?" The other answers: " this is to keep away the elephants from my lawn" ...the other: "...but there are no elephants in Alaska?" .
"Sure ... you understand now how efficient my little red flags are!"
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If you don't know where you go ... you have a lot of chance to arrive elsewhere ...

#18 donald.mallard

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 08:26 AM

oh what a shmuck. Thx Napoleon I needed that.


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#19 donald.mallard

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 10:35 AM

I decided to post two jokes a day.

 

heres number 2

 

Dr Myers has been looking after one of his patients, 80-year-old Freda, for most of her life. But he retires and passes all his patients over to the newly qualified Dr Faith who has just joined the practice.  One of the first things Dr Faith does is to ask to see Freda and she should bring with her a list of all the medicines that have been prescribed for her. Eventually, Freda has her appointment. 
As Dr Faith is looking through Freda’s list, he is totally shocked to see that she has a prescription for birth control pills. 
"Mrs Cohen," he says, "do you realise that these are birth control pills?" 
"Yes doctor," replies Freda, "they help me sleep at night." 
"Mrs Cohen," says Dr Faith, "I can assure you that there is absolutely nothing in birth control pills that could possibly help you sleep better at night." 
When she hears this, Freda reaches over to Dr Faith, lovingly pats him on his knee and says, "Yes, doctor, I know this, but every morning I get up very early, grind up one of the pills and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter Suzy drinks when she awakes. Believe me doctor, this helps me sleep at night."


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#20 Midnightguy

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 10:56 PM

Why did Astronaut retire from NASA?  He was getting spaced out.

What is an Astronaut's favorite part of a computer?  Why the space bar of course!

Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?  He was looking for Pluto. 


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